Hope is my favorite word.  It stands miles beyond fear, is heavy with gratitude and is so much more than just a simple wish.  It’s a belief that something is truly possible.

Last year, with the birth of our first baby, I focused on the word “savor” as the attitude and characteristic that I wanted my life to reflect – savoring each moment of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting.  This year, I keep coming back to my old friend, hope.  I have a good life, that much is true.  But choosing joy no matter our circumstances has so much to do with our ability to hope.  Maybe we don’t know how a problem will be solved or if it will be solved at all – but through it all there is always hope.

Hope strengthens.  Hope gives courage.  Hope creates joy.  How could it not be my favorite word?

Think about choosing a word of your own to focus on for the next little while.  For inspiration, click Ali’s blog here.

Last year on October 1, Stacy Julian spearheaded a Blog Blitz that focused on celebrating “the present” where we each created a mini, mini scrapbook of our present life.  I think it’s fitting that today, as she revisits this concept one year later, that our newest month of the Big Picture Scrapbooking workshop, “A Life Well Crafted” starts.  It is called “Pay Attention!” and it is all about embracing the window of time that we are living in, right now (click here to register).

I have spent the last 12 months trying to savor and soak up the moments that make up our current life.  Everything has been new to us.  Everything has been a discovery process.  And I am grateful that we have been able to experience the joy that comes from “celebrating the present” that is each new day for our little family of three.

I love my life.  It’s not perfect.  We have struggles and health issues and days where things don’t go our way.  But I still love my life and all that makes up this amazing adventure.  So, here’s to savoring the present!  A gift we give ourselves.

And instead of creating a scrapbook page about my experience, I decided to finally learn a new skill and share my current thoughts about this moment, this time, this little man, using Rhonna Farrer’s collage storyboards.  They truly were easy to create using the instructions that came with the downloads.  All I needed was Photoshop and some digital photos and I was at it in no time.

Cole, you are our present, our future and even our past.  You are the culmination of everything we love about life and so I celebrate you as you turn 8 months old this week.

Coleman, I feel like we have had a whole year packed into the last month when it comes to you.  You have grown and developed so much during September that it seems like you learn something new every other day.

Here are your top 12 firsts that have happened this month:

#12.  rolling over both ways (thank goodness!)

#11.  sitting up on your own (mom’s personal favorite because it means new-found independence)

#10.  stage 3 foods + mashed up table food + cheerios = one happy baby

#9.   finding your toes

#8.   discovering your favorite toy: an infant toothbrush

#7.   swimming like a little fish with your face in the water

#6.   holding your own bottle

#5.   that coughing/laugh/yell thing that you do these days – you definitely like the sound of your own voice

#4.   drinking from a cup with mom’s help

#3.   your first tooth (that grandma had to come from the dominican republic to find!)

#2.   meeting uncle clint, uncle brandon and baby jack

#1.   the infamous one-armed soldier crawl that, after much hard work,  you mastered on your 8-month birthday

Cole, you are fun and interesting and determined to get moving.  We just can’t get enough of you, little one.

Love, Mom

I have had a few opportunities this weekend to think about this idea of “becoming.”  There are so many events and moments in our lives that mold and shape us into who we are – for good or not so good.  How we choose to react to our circumstances, moment by moment, shapes our character into something that is hopefully better than when we started.

The same is true with the people we choose to interact with.  We all have those people in our lives who change us because of what we have learned from them through their example or their love, their teaching or anything else that impacts us.

This week’s download is in celebration of those people in our lives.  If you print it out (making sure the “shrink to fit” box remains unchecked) then you can whip up a few cards with this sentiment – or simply skip the card and just trim the thought itself.  Whatever works for you.

But let’s pay it forward.  Take a moment this week to share this message of gratitude with at least 5 people.  Thank them for the impact they have had in your life – whether large or small – and let them know that they have contributed to all the good things that you are becoming.

Have fun and let me know how it goes.  I love hearing the “after” part of the story.

Recently I bought an ottoman from overstock.com.  It wasn’t too big and didn’t eat up the whole room, leaving no space for Jason.  It was made of leather so it’s easy-to-clean with no sharp corners for the Cole-meister.  And it had the storage area I was looking for.  But the best feature was the price – 60% off of what I would have paid in the store.

Now, the thing with overstock purchases is that you have to be a little careful about quality.  If you are willing to overlook a mistake or two then you can often find a great deal.  Scratches, dents, missing buttons, a stain here and there all come with the territory when hunting for discount items because that is why you are getting them for a bargain – they aren’t worth as much in our eyes once they have been damaged.

But when it comes to people, I believe the opposite is true.  As Jason and I have gone through our challenges over the years our spirits have received their fair share of bumps and bruises, scratches and dents.  But with each tumble comes a refining process that removes a sharp edge here and a hard corner there until we are molded and sculpted into something more capable, more understanding and ultimately more beautiful than we were before.  Instead of losing our personal value, overcoming the hard knocks of life actually enhances who we are and develops in us a sense of greater individual worth.

Do I excitedly embrace adversity because I know what it will help me to be?  Not usually.  But I certainly wouldn’t change the person I have become because of it – a few scratches, a dent here and there, but stronger and more of who I am meant to be.

From the very beginning of my pregnancy I decided that I wanted to try and savor the experience for the simple reason that  I’m not sure if I will have the chance again to go through each step and phase of motherhood.

But savoring the experience doesn’t make me have any less of a need to be a typical mother, either.  I still need to set boundaries for my child.  I still need to establish a routine and work on discipline as time passes.  Although Cole is too little to know what it means to interrupt, there will come a day in the near future where I will have to teach him manners and when it is appropriate to speak.  As a mother, it won’t do him any favors to simply be at his beck-and-call, dropping everything to run to his side whenever he wants.  He will need to learn how to handle things himself sometimes in order to become independent.  He will have to learn that although I will always love him and take care of him, that doesn’t mean I will always cater to his every whim.  I will still have to be a mother and that’s what mothers do.

The thing is, in the midst of motherhood and getting things done and running a household, I don’t want to forget how to savor him either.  I don’t want to lose sight of embracing the little funny moments and tender minutes that I can share with Cole.  I don’t want to be so focused on being a mother that I forget to pause and really experience this miracle in our lives.

Grandma Judy & Cole at 6 weeks old

My parents have just moved to the Dominican Republic and we’re not sure how long they will live there.  It has never been very difficult for me to have them go live internationally – until now.  Now I have Cole and I want him to be near his grandparents.  I want my mom to be able to watch him grow and to build the kind of relationship where he knows and loves them just as much as they love him.  We use video conferencing and my parents aren’t very interested in talking to me if Cole is asleep – they just want to see what new tricks he has and call his name as he looks into the computer screen.  They just soak him up.

The other day Jason’s mom Sophia came over.  She does that a lot just to hang out with Coleman while I work.  Each time I went into the family room I saw them together.  One time she was lying on the floor next to his play gym while he grabbed for the hanging toys.  The next time they were dancing in the middle of the room.  After that she was tickling him while he squealed and giggled his deep laugh.  Next they were looking out the window with their heads close together and Cole’s hand on Sophia’s cheek.  then of course, there were many moments where she was playing with him while he jumped in his jumparoo as well.

I have been thinking a lot about this idea of balancing the tasks of motherhood with the ability to savor motherhood at the same time.  Is it possible to do both?  I’ve decided that it is and I think that the way to remember to do it is to follow the example of Cole’s two Grandmas.  Grandmas usually don’t have the day-to-day weight of the tasks of motherhood to deal with – they get to just savor and spoil their grandchild then send them home to Mom.

Cole & Grandma Hall dancing

So for me, when I feel myself starting to allow the nuts and bolts and rigors of motherhood take over, I want to conjure up the visual picture of Sophia dancing with Cole in our family room and remember to take a moment to be like his Grandmas.  Grandmas know how to savor.  They love to just spend time without an agenda.  They linger over tucking a child into bed just so they can have a few extra minutes together.  They can be coaxed into one more story or one more hug or one more cookie.

Grandmas know how to savor – and I want to remember that sometimes it’s good for Mom to be a little like Grandma.

I’m trying to get some work done before our family reunion tomorrow (80 people!) but in the meantime, I had to post our new favorite photo of the Cole-meister.  In spite of his diaper rash (thank you to everyone who gave me good remedy ideas on Facebook) he still wakes up happy both in the morning and after his naps.  And even when he is grumpy we can coax a smile or laugh out of him.

This is the essence of Cole: happy.

How would you describe the essence of someone you love in just one word?  Leave a comment by the evening of Sunday, July 26 and I’ll pick a random winner to receive some of my new stamp designs I just got in!  Yum!

A short article called “Hope: The Misunderstood Sister” by Larry Hiller has recently helped me put into words what hope is not as well as what it is.

It may be the way it’s commonly used: ‘I hope the car passes inspection.’ Or, ‘I hope the weather will be nice for the wedding.’  Used this way, the word hope is the verbal equivalent of keeping your fingers crossed.  Consequently, many seem to think Hope is unsure, even fickle — she may or may not grace you with her companionship.

[But] hope is anything but wishful.  It is expectation based on experience.  Hope is serene.  Her eyes have the deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. Hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded.  Hope is steady and strong, a friend I am glad to have beside me during my own trials.

Throughout all of the years of dealing with the adversity of Jason’s health, his car accident, and anything else that life has thrown our way, I have never struggled with having hope — until two months ago when postpartum hit.  I have never taken my ability to hope for granted but after this recent experience, I have a greater appreciation for the understanding and belief I have in the power of hope.  Luckily for me my lack of hope only lasted a couple of weeks but it was enough for me to realize that I do not ever want to go there again.

I love how Hiller capitalizes the word “Hope” and calls it “she,” creating a sense that hope is more than just a wish but an actual companion that we can travel life’s journey with.

I like Hope.  I like believing that life is good and even during trials, it will get better.  I like the sense of purpose and joy that comes from knowing, without seeing, that we can make it and be happy in the meantime.  I have come to understand that Hope is truly my soul’s companion, my partner for overcoming, and my dear friend.

What has Hope done for you lately?

The eyes of hope that look at me each day

As I wrote this title, my first thought was that I could have left the “Postpartum” part off and this post would still apply.  Whether we are dealing with depression, financial difficulties, physical health issues, problems at work or with family members or anything in between, there are strategies for overcoming our challenges.  I firmly believe this.  We have a part to play in our own happiness and ability to persevere.  This post is all about the nuts and bolts of what I did to get through my postpartum blues.

Project 365 of Gratitude photo: the day I had my doctor's appointment

1.  Get help. I don’t think I can stress this enough and so I put it first.  It’s vital that we understand ourselves enough to recognize when something is wrong and then get the help we need.  So often (as women, especially) we brush our problems under the proverbial rug and “soldier on.”  Although it’s true that we need to do a certain amount of soldiering on in life, we don’t have to do it alone.  I went to the doctor and was firm in my communication with him about how I was really doing.  I also talked to Jason about it often and when we could see that I needed help, we called in our support system – whether that is friends or family or neighbors.  We put key people in the loop so that I was getting help from different areas of my life. – including all of you.  I let you know what was happening and by doing so I was able to not worry about my blog for a while.  That is the power of a support system.

2.  Lower your expectations. Of all the other things I did, this one was probably the most important for me to personally tackle.  I have always been a list-maker and a “get-it-done” girl so the thought that I couldn’t do everything that I was used to doing (let me rephrase that, I couldn’t do ANYTHING I was used to doing) was quite guilt producing.  I hate guilt.  I think it does more harm than good in most situations.  But it was difficult to not feel guilty when all it seemed like I was doing was alternating between taking naps and crying and staring into space.

Once we figured out what was going on I had to immediately lower my expectations of myself.  I tossed my list.  I only did what was vital and tried to get help for the rest.  I realized that many of the things that we think we have to do is in our own mind anyway.  No one cares if I clean off my desk.  No one cares if I start another project.  No one cares if I hire a neighbor girl to weed for me.  We add so many things to our lists that they can overwhelm us.

I decided to have extremely low expectations of myself.  I took care of Coleman and gave myself one thing to do each day such as fold the laundry or clean out the dishwasher or pay the bills.  That’s it.  The rest of the time I spent napping when I needed to and sitting in a chair while Cole played on the floor.  That’s it.  As time passed and I felt strong enough to add something to my day, then I would.  But if not, then I didn’t and gradually that sense of being completely overwhelmed started to fade.

Project 365 of Gratitude: the day I walked farther than the mailbox (talk about low expectations!)

3.  Surround yourself with positives. I found that when I was alone with my own thoughts, I got extremely overwhelmed and discouraged.  Jason kept saying, “You have to stop thinking.”  That’s hard to do so I decided I needed some help with it.  I started turning on positive, uplifting music throughout the house from the time I got up till when I went to bed.  By having something to listen to other than my own thoughts, I did better.  Jason probably got sick of the same things playing all the time but he never complained.  Blocking out the negatives and surrounding ourselves with positives is necessary in normal life so it makes sense that it would be vital when we are feeling less than normal.

4.  Laugh. Jason and I learned early on in our relationship that how quick we are to laugh is directly proportional to how well we work through a challenge.  He helped me to remember this during the most difficult weeks and although we are not daytime television watchers, he would turn on Ellen or something funny in the afternoons to make me laugh.  We were careful about what shows and movies we watched in the evenings as well, making sure that they weren’t depressing or too heavy.  Laughter is a tool.  Give yourself a chance to laugh as often as possible.

5.  Routine. I probably wouldn’t have realized the importance of the need for a routine or schedule before this experience but I recognize it now.  When I hit rock bottom I had my mother-in-law take Cole for a couple of days so I could regroup.  She is wonderful and I’m so grateful that he got to spend that time with his grandparents.  My mom had offered to take him a few days later but I told her no.  What I had realized was that while he was gone I wandered.  I had no purpose that I could face tackling and so I ended up sleeping all day and wandering the house.  I decided that if I could do nothing else, I needed to have Cole home.  His schedule gave me structure.  Maybe I needed to nap when he napped but I still had to get up and feed him and change him and play with him in between.  If I didn’t do anything else, at least I did that.  His schedule kept me on a routine and that provided the framework to my days that I needed to help me move forward.

Plus, I was always happier when he was around.  Who wouldn’t be?  My mother-in-law said, “Maybe she needs him as much as he needs her right now.”  I believe that to be true.  I needed his touch.  I needed his squeals and laughs and growls.  When I looked into those soul-searching eyes of his I felt like he was saying, “It’s ok Mom.  It will all be ok.”

And it was.

Perhaps that is the best strategy of all.  Remembering that it will be ok. We may have to work at it and it might take a while but it will be ok.  I am grateful for this experience.  I always believed that postpartum depression was real but I never understood its impact until now.  I am grateful we caught it quickly and acted early.  I know that it is the reason why I was doing fabulously just six weeks later instead of still muddling through for months on end.

But I’m still using my strategies.  I have a to-do list now but it’s not very long and when I start to feel overwhelmed I pull back and take a break.  I still surround myself with positives and laughter but now I can generate that laughter on my own again.  I still get help and keep my support system updated on what I need so that I am not alone.  And most importantly, I have yet another thing to add to my list of experiences so that when others go through the same thing, I know what they are talking about.  I am better for this understanding.

Thanks for your encouragement.  For those of you going through challenges of your own – have hope.  Have faith.  You can do this and know that you have a friend in your corner cheering you on.

This was taken exactly one year ago - the actual week we found out our invitro efforts worked and we were getting Cole. What a year it's been!

Happy Anniversary to us!  We’ve been reminiscing our wedding day 17 years ago today – how is that possible?  I still feel like I am at least in my twenties and here I find myself approaching 40.

We’ve come a long way, baby.

I know that my blog is called “The Art of Choosing Joy.”  I have taught a Big Picture Scrapbooking workshop with the same title.  But my month-long bout with postpartum has given me a reason to pause and really think about that phrase “choosing joy.”

In dealing with all of our challenges with regard to Jason’s health and lengthy recovery from his car accident 12 years ago, I learned what it meant to say that happiness is my choice.  True, we may not like our circumstances or situations but we still have the autonomy it takes to decide if we are going to feel joy within those circumstances.  I learned a long time ago that I don’t have to like hard things in order to be able to be happy within them.

So as I found myself hit a low about a month ago, I looked at my blog header and wondered, “Is it really true?  Do I have the choice to be happy?”  I knew that I wanted to feel better.  I wanted to feel like my old self – optimistic, positive, ready to tackle what was placed in front of me.  I wanted to have hope.  I wanted to do more than take naps and feel exhausted.  I wanted to feel something other than overwhelmed and unsure.

But for some reason, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t get there on my own.  Yes, I got help from a doctor.  He said, “I think you are going to pull out of this yourself.”  To which I responded…”I don’t think so.”  I know myself and I know what it took for me to simply see the doctor in the first place.  I had no desire to try and muddle through postpartum issues on my own for months.  I was ready for help.

I have never had to take medication for anxiety or depression of any kind and as I started the medicine I began to wonder how much a little pill really could do to help me.  Sure it would level me out like I needed it to, but what about the rest?  What about my role in this healing process?  Where did the idea of “choosing joy” fit into this scenario?

I have decided that this experience of postpartum depression is no different than any other difficult situation that we have gone through.  I had to choose that I was going to heal.  I had to choose that I was going to be happy.  I had to choose that I was going to do everything I could to put myself in a position to let the medication do it’s job.  I had to choose how I thought about things, what I did and how I lived my life in order to feel the best I possibly could as I made my way back to the real me.

Some of you might think that this comes naturally or automatically when a person is happy by nature.  But although I am a very positive person, it didn’t come naturally.  I had to work for my joy.  I had to make conscious decisions that I knew would help me feel better.  There was nothing accidental or automatic about pulling myself out of my postpartum pit.  Instead, my most effective weapon was living very deliberately and learning about yet another aspect of this idea of “the art of choosing joy.”

Joy is a choice.  I have always believed this to be true and after the last six weeks I am even more convinced of it.  I have the power to decide if I am going to be happy within my circumstances.   Some days may be harder than others and that’s ok.  There is a year or two of our lives that I wouldn’t mind erasing completely from my memory!  But the point is that we recognize that we have a say in how we feel.  We decide to fight back when the blues threaten to overwhelm us.  Our arsenal may be small and we might feel weak compared to the challenges we face but we have to do something to fight back, block out the negative influences and take control of our own happiness.

How did I do this?  I’ll tell you about my hands-on, real life strategies in my next post.  And in the meantime, recommit yourself to your role in “the art of choosing joy.”  I guarantee that you’ll be happy that you did.