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Posts Tagged ‘invitro’

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I thought I would never reach the 20-day mark of my boot camp experience and here I am only a few sessions away.  I have been so happy with the program that I’ve decided to go a couple more weeks and get to Thanksgiving.  We’ll see what happens after that.  I feel the need to get myself fit over the next few months because Jason and I would like to try invitro again and I want to be healthy and strong as we head into that process at the first of the year.

Yep, I said it.  We’re looking into invitro again.  Jason has met with our fabulous doctor regarding his issues and I have to do some tests to see what a difference 2 years has made in my egg production.  Last time I only had a 40% chance that we would get viable eggs and because of my age, that percentage most likely has gone down since then.

But nothing will happen in terms of blood tests for a month or two and those of you who have gone through IVF know that the process tends to linger longer over months instead of days so don’t hold your breath waiting for news.  I know that many of you who read this blog have gone through fertility issues or have someone close to you who has so I will keep you posted as we go along on our journey.  Right now we pretty much just have question marks that will be answered one way or another as time passes.

So that is one reason, besides good health in general, why I have signed on for a few more weeks with Jim.  And now that Jim has found my blog (Hi, Jim!) I have a new quote of the day.  I’m on the home stretch of my 20-day commitment and Jim still has a plethora of military-style phrases that he peppers us with throughout our workout.  But now, however, after he comes up with a particularly creative or powerful one in his mind he then turns to me and says,

Write that one in your blog.  – Jim

Jim, you still do not fail to amuse (and sometimes abuse) me.  Come on, even though I’m still a little slow in getting the reps done, you have to admit that I’ve made progress.  You have to start somewhere, right?

I can do hard things, Jim.  Even a mile on the stinkin’ bike and 20 of those those cursed pull-up things.  And I’m writing it here in my blog.

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I think I just started to pop!  The last couple of weeks have caused me to move more and more pants down to storage so that I am now left with just maternity and my trusty yoga pants.  Or as Jason calls them, “My Uniform” because I wear them so often.

Baby is kicking like crazy – which is no surprise because from the beginning ultrasounds he was roly-poly and waving to us.  The movement no longer feels “alien” to me but has become natural and part of my own body rhythmn.  That’s a phenomenon in itself to me.

I am amazed every morning when I wake up and feel this firm bump as part of who I am.  Over the last 16 years I have often wondered if I would ever be a mother.  People would ask me, “Do you ever think about having children?”  If only they knew that I thought about it every day.  But with Jason’s car accident and the challenge that it would be to get pregnant, I taught myself to push it to the side of my thoughts and not dwell on the hope.

I know how it feels to want something and not get to have it.  I know how it feels to not have a clue what “24 Weeks” means.  I know how it feels to have to suppress that sense of longing that rises when others say, “We’re having a baby!”  I know how it feels to not have anything to contribute to a conversation when mothers obsessively talk about their children.  I know that every new person you meet invariably asks if you have children and how it feels to always say, “No.”

However, I decided long ago that I would be happy for people who had babies.  I would love other people’s little children.  I would not allow my own yearnings to create sadness or negativity for those who got to be parents.   I would celebrate with them even when sometimes it was heartbreaking.

I also know that we are lucky.  Even after all this time, we get the chance to be parents.  Many people who want it do not have that opportunity – we recognize that.  I never want to forget how it felt to not be a mother so that I can be sensitive to those who are going through what I felt all those years.

I hope, though, that if you are struggling with the situation of not being a mother when you want to be that you will embrace life anyway.  Love whatever circumstances you have.  There are many things I have done in my life that I could not have done as easily if I had been a mother.  Do those things.  Develop who you are and become better.  I know that I will be a better mother because of the things I have done in my life up to this point.  I will be more patient.  I will be more adaptable.  I am smarter and hopefully even more wise.

I’m grateful that I am entering a new phase in my life – the lifelong phase of motherhood – but I count myself blessed to face it as the person I have become while I’ve waited for it to happen.

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Can you say – BOY?!!!

It’s true, we found out that it’s a BOY!  We are so excited – we would have loved a girl, too but I had always felt like it was a boy from the day the doctor transferred the embryos.  So, I would have been surprised if they had said anything else.

Jason’s reaction was my favorite part of the whole event.  He said he kept saying to himself, “It’s OK if it’s a girl.  It’s OK if it’s a girl.”  Then when she announced the boy he shouted, “Are you serious?!!!  Are you sure?”  It was so fun to have that moment.  Needless to say, he is waaaaay excited for this little guy!

It’s hard to believe that we could start four months ago with these little frozen embryos:

and end up with something that actually looks like a baby growing in there.  We will never know which embryo “took” but I think it was the little 5-cell one at the top – the runt of the entire batch.  I think it was a fighter and hung in there despite the odds.  There is no doubt in my mind that it could happen!

This whole process has been a tremendous exercise in faith and hope and belief that miracles can happen.  It’s been interesting because up until the day of the ultrasound last week, it has been difficult for me to process that I am actually having a baby.  Despite not feeling great and seeing changes in my body, I still have felt like I was watching a movie of someone else being pregnant.  It was hard for me to connect that what was happening was happening to me.

But now that we know it’s a boy, I can’t stop thinking about him.  Seeing a little munchkin in my mind, covered in blue as he climbs and runs and becomes a part of our home.  For the first time, I see this little guy as ours and it has been an amazing feeling.  My love for him has started to grow and become something real to me.  I’m sure it will only increase as time passes but I’m starting to feel the glimmering of devotion that comes with being a parent – love I haven’t felt in this exact way before.

So, we are at about 17 1/2 weeks with forever to go.  But I’m feeling better and actually finished a deadline for my new stamping program (it will be so cool!) that will be released in February.  A week early, even!  It’s been a while since I felt like getting things done early so I’m feeling very proud of myself for that this week.

Now it’s time for a little nap – I still like those in the afternoons!

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It’s true!  After 16 years of marriage we are finally adding a new little one to our family!  I know, I can hardly believe it myself.  I feel like when I look at the ultrasounds that I am watching a movie of someone else.  Not quite real yet.

I took me a long time to feel like Jason was healthy enough that I could handle taking on this challenge – that’s what caused the delay.  I admit.  It’s all me.  But when my OB said, “Well, if you’re going to do it, you better hurry because you’re getting old,” then I figured it was time to dive in.

I am due February 15 – practically the same day as my friends Ali Edwards and Alanna George.  We found out we were having little matching babies at CHA about 6 weeks ago and it is fun to have a friend in it with you.

I have to say that I am totally out of my element here and feel like I have experienced every emotion on the scale – mostly hanging out on the “scared to death” mark.  We started the invitro process in October (IVF) and had our first bump in the road when Jason was admitted to the hospital for an elbow infection for five weeks in December/January.

Once he was out of the hospital, we pretty much maxed out every option for retrieval, fertilization and transfer that they have available at the Reproductive Care Center in Sandy, Utah.  Our philosophy was to do all we could and let God take care of the rest.  Dr. Heiner was fabulous there and we felt very blessed to have such good, competent resources so close to home.  Many people come from much further away than we did to use their facilities.

Invitro is interesting.  It is a science – yes.  But I came to understand and appreciate the art form as well.  Every step is analyzed, tested, and researched before moving forward because each person is unique so the process becomes unique as well.  Dr. Heiner’s creativity as well as his knowledge was so apparent as we progressed through the experience.

What does IVF entail?  Little shots in my belly (easy to do myself), deep tissue shots in my hips (hard to do myself but I did it nonetheless) and pills, pills, pills.  I feel like we have been counting calendar days since October – this baby should be 12 by the time it gets here!

The first time we tried we got 12 eggs and 8 were viable for fertilization.  Then came the challenging part – Jason’s contribution.  But after a series of miracles (literally) they were able to fertilize 7.  We transferred the best three in February but none of them were successful.  (And YES, I was ok with twins or triplets!!!)

Luckily, we were able to freeze the other four embryos and after a month of getting my body calmed down again, we started the whole injection/medication process over. In May we did a frozen transfer – 3 out of 4 of the embryos survived the defrosting so we transferred all 3.  I had a feeling that even the little 5-cell embryo should be transferred.  I still think that is the one that took – it’s a fighter.

Two weeks later we found out that I was pregnant with a small chance that it was twins.  Two weeks after that we saw one little brine shrimp in there with a strong heart beating furiously.  It worked!  We couldn’t believe it.  We’re actually having a baby!  Again, I was really open to the idea of multiples but there is just one.  Jason breathed a sigh of relief at that!

It’s hard to explain how I feel.  Very blessed and excited for sure – I know that there are so many people who have to try much longer than we did and some never have it work.  We are very lucky.  But then I also feel very overwhelmed with the idea of being able to do this.   When I was sick for the next 6 weeks I kept thinking, “I can’t believe I actually paid good money to feel like this!”

I have now reached the 15 week mark and have had multiple ultrasounds and heard the heartbeat (strong and steady) again last week so I feel like it’s time to get the word out.  I know it will be a major life adjustment for us and I’m really nervous about my ability to handle everything that I will need to do.  I keep thinking, “OK, it worked.  Now what do I do?”  But I have to have faith that I can do it.  I know that this was the right decision for us and I have seen God’s hand in the process.  If all of that is true, then I must be able to do it.  I have to have faith in that.

I can’t believe it – we’re actually having a baby!

Thank you to eveyone who left their congratulations, words of encouragement here.  We are so blessed to have such fabulous support as we enter into this new life venture!  Check back for updates!

Kolette

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